Here are some things


Posts tagged with "humor"

May 9

Stop calling me. I am not available to talk.

            I do not enjoy talking on the phone and I am a firm believer in the text messages. Those that know me know that I cannot stand talking on the phone and I feel that if I were born 50 years earlier than I had been that there would be a plethora of men that would agree.  But now men are women and women are men and everyone joyously talks on the phone. Not I.  I don’t care if it is my mother or father, girlfriend, or my best-friend that I haven’t heard from in years, I’d rather not waste my time with the telephone glued to my ear when I can use it for a much better purpose; Angry Birds.

            In all seriousness, though, I have a quota while talking on the phone. I start to get annoyed with the person that I speaking with (Read: listening to) after roughly 7 minutes. After ten, I stop caring what they are saying and get off of the phone as quickly as possible–unless it’s my father. I love him dearly, but he doesn’t hear the words “Okay, I’ve got to go now.” It really is mind blowing.

            But I digress. With the advent of not so new technologies like text messaging and Facebook/Twitter (they’ve been here a while so use them), there is almost no reason to talk on the phone. So why don’t more people use these new technologies? Oh they do. They just seem to have more to say.

            My phone bill states that I used exactly 219 minutes last month. That is 219 minutes too many, but it’s on it’s way down. That’s an average of a little over 7 minutes per day. Not a lot to the average person. Perfect for me. I did, however, use 1800+ text messages to communicate with coworkers, friends, and family. You’re probably thinking, “I used at least that many text messages to talk to my friends too! What’s this guy going on about?” ­I will tell you.  For some reason the use of Facebook, Twitter, and text messages exponentially rises but the use of the telephone stays the same. Last month, I had no issues meeting up with anyone, making plans, or any other logistical undertakings that I came across and I’ll tell you why: because I have a brain. And you do too! It is not hard to text someone with the address of where you are in order to meet up and hang out. It’s quite easy.

            I get it in parts. The doctor needs to call you to confirm appointments; you might have to call your school or work to figure something out; or (this is for women) you might have to call your mother 46 times per day.  But how about we, as people, try to waste less time talking, and put it toward something useful like letting me listen to an audio book instead of interrupting me every single time I drive in my car.

            The argument that I hear is that it’s less personal. You don’t actually talk to anyone and soon that will lead to robots will taking over the world or something like that. There are always robots. At least that’s what my friends say. The same friends that go out to the bar on Friday and the very next morning have their pictures from the night before uploaded to Facebook from their digital camera. Obviously being careful to avoid the reposts from the live tweeting that they did the night before so as not to be redundant.  You get my point.

            I just want to ask that instead of calling just stop and think. Is this something that the other person wants or needs to hear? If not, save the formality and shoot them a text. I am sure that they will get back to you. If not, then it probably wasn’t that important to begin with.  Regardless of the fact, stop calling me. I’m trying to listen to a podcast or something.


May 1

Women’s Purses: The Abyss

Any time I hear the words, “Honey can you grab my [anything] out of my purse for me?” I immediately cringe. In the beginning of my relationship I used to try and be a good boyfriend and find whatever it is that she was looking for; be it chap stick, a hair brush, or an ’86 Fleetwood. After 3 years in our relationship, I have taken a stand. I will never open my girlfriend’s purse again. Period.

That said, I’m sure the next time she asks I will dive right in because that’s what men have to do. For those of you just entering a relationship, I will offer some advice. Since I am sure that you will, in fact, be going into The Abyss when your lady friend asks you to, I will give you a few pointers on how to make it out alive.

In order 
to properly look for something in a purse you must:

1. Have a ladder. If you don’t have a ladder, don’t even think about going in. 
In the beginning of a relationship it is hard to realize the sheer vastness of a purse. Once you take the plunge for the first time, you will realize how hard it is to emerge. You need a ladder.

2. Invest in a good flashlight! You wouldn’t go into a cave without a flashlight, would you? 
Of course not. I would invest in a good flashlight with rechargeable batteries or a headlamp like the Chilean miners sported during their 2010 adventures. You will shave hours of searching off of your days with the investment of a good light source.

3. Bring an MRE. For those of you that don’t know what an MRE is, it stands for “Meal Ready to Eat.” I still keep an MRE in my pantry to this day just in case my girl asks me to grab something out of her purse. When I open that purse, I might be in there for 6 to 7 hours at a time. That’s a long time to go with out nutrition. You’re already burning hundreds of calories looking for that hidden hairbrush so bring an MRE with you to replenish those spent calories.

4. If you have the means, bring a satellite phone. It goes without saying that this is a dangerous mission. Seeing as you’re probably in a new relationship, you will blindly go in. However, if you have the means to purchase a satellite phone, please do so. If the ladder falls into The Abyss, then at least you’ll have a telephone to contact somebody when you realize that you’re stranded. This could be the only thing that saves your life.

5. If all else fails, fake an illness. 
If you’re not comfortable taking the plunge—and I don’t think anyone would blame you—you can always fake illness. When she asks you to grab something out of her purse just drop to the ground and start rolling around shouting “OH MY GOD MY EYES!”. I can assure you the confusion of your mystery illness will cause her to have a panic attack and forget about what she needed from her purse. When you’re sure that she has forgotten, get up and let her know that you’re okay. The sheer joy that she will have will buy you a little time until the next time she needs you to go into her purse again.

If you follow these rules you will be able to add precious hours to the end of your life in the form of time saved digging through a purse. Beyond that, you will be able to be one of the few men that have the ability to dive in and come out victorious. Now get out there, purse-divers. Get out there and explore.